Well Its been a while,I dont know why I've been procrastinating, but I'm finally here! So the holy spirit showed up and stirred up the hearts of the young people in our regional praise and worship service last Sunday night! WOW WOW WOW! How Great is Our God!!!!! It was truly a blessing! I was filled with the holy spirit for the first time, and I felt strong hold being lifted off! WoW! I was truly in awe of Gods presence! And since last Sunday I been in the spirit of worship! I cant find words to describe how much I love God! But tuesday night, I was talking to my amazing sister in Christ Kelsey and we were talking about the amazing things God has done in out lives and where he has taken us from. I felt in my spirit God saying Its time to 'Align myself with Gods word' I was like emmm, what does that mean God! It simple meant for me that I had to get to know God truly for myself and what he thinks of me! I was like woah! That was truth right there.! The enemy has a way of creeping in and feeding my mind with his lies, and for years I have believed him and carried on living my everyday life!
Since being sexual abused by my cousion at the age of 8 years old the devil automatcatily allowed me to believe that it was my fault, that I was in the wrong somehow. And not knowing any better I believe him! My innocence was taken. I felt awful.I grow up thinking something was wrong with me, that no one would every love me! I didnt know what love felt like from a male figure. My dad left when I was 7 years old and he was the only male role model in my life. So i walked around with this secret for years. Even when I went to a child docotr at the age of 9 for weeks of counselling to find out why I was different, distriubed and with drawn I still couldnt open up! I didnt speak up until I was 21 and I told a counsellor. But by then years and years and years of guilt, hurt and damage had built up! I believed there was no out there who could help me! I felt useless, ashamed and betrayed. I remember being homeless and living on the streets. I would co to work with my bags and wash in the disable toilets. The amazing Beaumont family took me in. I will never forget their grace and kindness, I will forever be grateful to them! After years of depression and self harm and 3 failed suicide attempts I am still here! Why?? Because GOD had a divine plan for my life!!!I did not see what God was doing in my life at the time, but He saw the best in me when the world could only see the worse. The pain had a purpose. He kept me even when I didn't want to be kept! He loved me when I was in my sin and shame. But what blows my mind is how he delivered me!
He delivered me from self harm. I was self harming 2 to 3 times a day! The fire, the iron, the blade, scissors. What ever I could get my hands on, where ever I was! I wanted to feel something, be something. But all I saw was blood, lots of it! It didn't heal my broken heart. But God!
Suicide. I was in the hospital many times, I went to the mental hospital for many different appointments! I was on all kinds of anti-medicines. But in my head all I wanted to be was dead! I never thought there was a way out, a light at the end of a tunnel. My aim was to end my life. But God!
Depression. It took over my life for many years. I was forever low, unhappy, unpopular! I felt like I had no purpose, no goal, no ambition. I felt I was merely living to exist. I was bullied, push down stairs, bitten and blamed! I had no confidence no self esteem, no self worth! I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, I cursed my life and ask God to not wake me up in the morning! I have no use or purpose in this life!
But God was there every step of the way! Its hard to believe that when I gave up on him, he NEVER gave up on me! When I began to seek God for my self and got to have a one to one relationship with him I got to find him for myself. It was an awesome finding too. I began to see that I wasn't a disaster, I wasn't a mistake, I shouldnt have been aborted, I was here for a divine purpose and for a time like this!I had to really cry before God, and search deep into my heart and ask God for healing and forgiveness. I think that was the hardest part. But when God I focused on God and his word, I began to feel and treat myself differently. I began to see myself like God see's me! I Am who I Am because I am His! Once you align yourself with God and his word you are going in the right direction!
"From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center and its all about you"
Deuteronomy 28:13 And the Lord shall make thee the head, and not the tail; and thou shalt be above only, and thou shalt not be beneath; if that thou hearken unto the commandments of the Lord thy God, which I command thee this day, to observe and to do them
Jeremiah 29 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Psalms 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.